Prologue~
Part of changing the way we think of and treat women's physical and mental health care is to change how we see women - and for women, how we see ourselves. My decision to share my own journey is in part because I have been asked by friends and clients to tell some of my stories that have helped them normalize their own internal narrative, but also to encourage those who have lost hope - like I nearly did over a decade ago in 2007, when I was 35 years old. I'll also share my professional and personal thoughts as to what we can do about changing the narrative of body image, what mental and physical health really is (and what it looks like), and improving holistic health care for women.
Part of changing the way we think of and treat women's physical and mental health care is to change how we see women - and for women, how we see ourselves. My decision to share my own journey is in part because I have been asked by friends and clients to tell some of my stories that have helped them normalize their own internal narrative, but also to encourage those who have lost hope - like I nearly did over a decade ago in 2007, when I was 35 years old. I'll also share my professional and personal thoughts as to what we can do about changing the narrative of body image, what mental and physical health really is (and what it looks like), and improving holistic health care for women.
Chapter One~
My brain lies to me periodically. It started when I was 10 years old (probably well before that), when I started to control my food intake alternately through starvation and binging and purging. I, and a fantastic Therapist I worked with long ago, feel as though part of my traumatic history of being molested by a male babysitter at the age of four contributed to the perfect storm that led to my irrational thinking about my body. It was also about the chaotic environment I grew up in. My home life was so abusive that controlling my food intake was the only thing I thought I had control over. Somewhere along the way, I'd learned the dark secrets of restricting or purging food is not only a quick physical way to feel as though you could get thinner but a way to experience the mental high you get when you are hungry or after throwing up is a way to establish long term patterns and habits. While it would be another 15 years before I learned about neurotransmitters, self-harm, and addictive behaviors as a scientist, I knew it made me feel better in the moment.
My brain lies to me periodically. It started when I was 10 years old (probably well before that), when I started to control my food intake alternately through starvation and binging and purging. I, and a fantastic Therapist I worked with long ago, feel as though part of my traumatic history of being molested by a male babysitter at the age of four contributed to the perfect storm that led to my irrational thinking about my body. It was also about the chaotic environment I grew up in. My home life was so abusive that controlling my food intake was the only thing I thought I had control over. Somewhere along the way, I'd learned the dark secrets of restricting or purging food is not only a quick physical way to feel as though you could get thinner but a way to experience the mental high you get when you are hungry or after throwing up is a way to establish long term patterns and habits. While it would be another 15 years before I learned about neurotransmitters, self-harm, and addictive behaviors as a scientist, I knew it made me feel better in the moment.
Leaving the military community and moving off base for the last time when we moved from England to Arizona was tough, too, and I never really fit in with my classmates til I was in High School - and even then, my body image was poor and I was teased mercilessly by the kids who had grown up together - and in my mind, it was because I was "fat" (looking back now, I realize 145# - what I weigh now - was not fat by any means - and that even when I was my heaviest outside pregnancy, at 160#, I was still never "fat"). By 12, I'd pretty much decided to become a vegetarian - but I think, in part, it was just another way to control my food intake. By 18, I added in the extreme exercise routines, laxatives, and diuretics and set the stage for an incredibly unhealthy decade in my 20s - which led to a major crash in my 30s that changed the course of my life.
On the outside, I thought I looked great and had quite a bit of social encouragement to stay the way I was. Dizzy spells and hunger became usual states of being to me and I hid behind a full schedule of work and school - and modeling and travel. Of course, the modeling was both a tool of excuse as well as ego. I had plenty of men who wanted to date me, and women friends who - like me - were products of our photoshopped and curated media culture, so we ignored the ugly truths about our habits and lived as we'd just keep living through what science never really researched well (us). If there's no science to show that your female insides might not match up with your external "hotness", and your cells are still young enough to recoup immediate damage (or at least put you on auto-pilot for a decade), then there's nothing wrong... right? So, it became socially acceptable to eat as little as possible, puke the rest in some pretense that no one knew what was going on, and work out like hell was at our heels.
I had my oldest daughter at 23 and it shifted me away from modeling and the entertainment industry and into Education. However, it didn't make me much healthier. I am just under 5'5" and weighed as little as 112# just before I got pregnant, but I was responsible for being a good Mom and protecting my babies, so I allowed myself to gain natural weight through pregnancy and breastfeeding - but I dropped the baby weight quickly and was back down to 120# in no time - in part, because I was young, and in part because I was turning back to old habits. There were other factors going on as well - an abusive first marriage and three years of a struggle to divorce him, trying to stay out of my parents' hot mess of a prolonged dysfunction and divorce, and trying to raise my daughter (and try to watch out for my kid sister) along with work and school. Again, these problems would both work with and against me and added to the growing reasons why I was determined to never be satisfied with how I looked because it was in direct proportion to how successful I felt.
To be continued...
PHOTOS: First is a photo of me around the time I hit the "wall" of health issues in my 30s. I was just starting the process of flipping things - getting back to the gym, seeing a Therapist of my own, and trying to love myself as I was. Second photos are side by side of me at 22 and me at 42 (on left, photo credit to Maria Nasif). Third, is a photo of me at 44, training at the gym I worked at in California, learning more advanced weight lifting techniques and teaching other women how.
Side note: It's still hard to post the photos like the ones of the beginning of my journey, but I feel like it's important to be real about how I worked through this process and what I've looked like at each stage. Through this process, I also want to show you how photos can be deceiving as well - even non-photoshopped ones! So much I've learned in 12 years that I can share.
~ Jonni Khat
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