"Why the heck are all our kids..."

Today's Mental Health Theme was "Why the heck are all our kids..." My response, about 7 times, if not more (not kidding you), was:

1. Most of my clients have zero ability to sit in their emotions (distress tolerance) and they use negative coping skills which are easy and cheap temp "fixes" that spike dopamine and oxytocin (food, social media, video games, etc...) but do not have long term positive effects.

2. They ALSO share in that they confuse self judgment with self critique (even though they can talk you through the difference, logically) which means they live in a negative feedback loop of self judgment, which makes them distressed in their emotions, and loops back to more judgment... which, unlike critique, means they can never assess mistakes and change.

3. They ALSO, ALSO all share in that they are high achievers who crave positive attention but can't give it to themselves (self soothing).

4. Our entire society has become unconsciously curated and judgmental (note how even the initial question was phrased).

5.They get almost no respite from the constant deluge of judgments by themselves and others which means they are all in a state of prolonged distress; physically and mentally.

6. Their interaction with the world is majoratively brief bytes of technology based communication with others, which means their sense of social interaction is changing despite our brains being wired for real world social interactions.

7. We are all way too busy working that we have developed a skewed sense of "productivity", even in what's supposed to be our rest time.

Then, I followed with... I WONDER WHERE THEY LEARNED THAT FROM?!?! :)

Fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, much as we'd all like to say differently of ourselves as kids - and as parents. Myself, included. I am guilty of all of the above and teaching it to my own kids to one degree or another.

So, what do we do?

Well, there are many things I can suggest (and am trying to do, myself...) but the most important in my mind are:

1. Be kinder to ourselves and our kids. I don't just mean buy them things or giving in to them; but HUGS, QUALITY TIME, TALKING and LISTENING... models real life interactions we all need. Plus, it gives us back the physical time we need with others.

2. Schedule family "no tech allowed" time in which you do things like go outside, play games, eat, BE PRESENT with who you are physically with.

3. Find family activities that are physically and mentally active in ways that are play and not work.

4. SHOW them how to relax without distractions or "medications". Positive coping skills like taking a bath, listening to music with the lights low, chilling out over a good meal and then watching a fun movie together, going out for a night time drive with the windows down... you know, like we used to back in the 80s. :D

5. Teach them (and maybe yourself) to sit with emotions - especially the ones that suck to be in - and learn to sit with them long enough to assess WHY you have the emotion and what it is telling you (a WAY other post).

6. TELL yourself how amazing you are, even if you don't believe it, but also spend more time praising those around you (including your kids)... there will always be times you are sad, mad, or disappointed with them (and yourself), so shore up the positive.

7. Work on feeding less into the judgment and more on offering and working through critiquing yourself and others.

<3 ~ Jonni Khat